A 119-Day, 49-Stop, 32-Country Cruise for Assholes Is Almost Sold Out

If you have $17,000, four months to spare and wanted to spend it cruising around the world, you are shit out of luck. You’ll need to shell out $28,409 to $60,579.

MSC Cruise touted a cruise around the world late last year. It involves 49 stops in 32 countries over six continents (sorry Antarctica) on a boat. The cheap-ass basic packages are sold out.

Let’s just break it down practically. You are essentially living out of a suitcase and confined to a cruise boat, which are just floating cesspools of disease. You barely get a sense of the town on a day excursions, so basically you’re paying for an endurance contest to see how far you can go until you break.

The MSC Magnifica will be your new home, which gets a 3 out of 5 user reviews with 4 out 5 from CruiseCritic. If something bothers you, you have 119 days to deal with it. It’s not like you can switch to an AirBnB on the ship.

Then you have to mingle with the same people the whole time. Let’s hope you’re not stuck with a bunch of jerks, assholes and rude people. The odds are not in your favorite. Not to mention I really hope you love your partner because if you break up, you’re screwed.

Now dreams of a lifetime of unlimited travel is great in theory, but in reality, you’re away from your friends and family. They miss you, just as much as you miss them. I come across travel stories about people who’ve been traveling for years non-stop. I’m not jealous, I say, “Go the fuck home and see your mom.” Didn’t you see that Black Mirror episode?

Finally, the people who do go, their social media presence will be insufferable. “Hey, Day 67, spent 2 hours on a beach in Bora Bora. #blessed” Then they catch a major disease from the all cruise food.

To me, cruising is the anti-travel, because it’s not about exploring different cultures or broadening your mind. It’s really about saying you did, this, that and the other thing, while eating too much food.

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