Ryan Lochte Proves That Douchebag Tourists Ruin Everything

ryan lochteThe Rio Olympics are over, so we can look forward to how awesome Tokyo is as a host city. Yeah! Or should I say, Jeah?

In case you haven’t heard, U.S. Gold medal swimmer Ryan Lochte caused an international incident by firing a rocket launcher at a gas station bathroom while peeing on a litter of puppies and giving the middle finger to the Olympic refugee team. The man is talented. The other three swimmers should feel fortunate to be with him.

I’m joking.

With the amount of coverage we’ve seen, you’d think this was on par with the 1996 Atlanta bombing and the 1972 Munich hostage crisis. I’ve seen a lot of valid comments about white privilege, celebrity privilege and making Brazil and America look bad. In the big picture, this shit happens all the time — tourists and visitors behaving badly.

While it’s hard to come by statistics when it comes to arrests and citations when if comes tourists, we do have evidence that local governments are cracking down and have had enough. Of those arrests, it’s harder to determine the level of douchedom in the perpetrator.

For instance, the mayor of Venice, Italy wants to jail visitors for public drunkenness after a drunk New Zealand man jumped off the Rialto Bridge. First off, that water is nasty. It smells like zombie farts and will likely give you botulism. Second, how drunk do you have to be in Venice of all places? It’s expensive to drink there. “I insist on [introducing] special powers to the city to uphold public order. Pickpockets, vandals, drunks! A night in the cells,” tweeted Mayor Luigi Brugnaro.

Back here in the States, three Canadians guys are facing criminal charges for stomping around Yellowstone National Park’s Grand Prismatic Spring. “Such off-trail travel also creates a hazardous condition for the traveler by breaking through the delicate thermal features and possibility of thermal injuries and subjecting rescuers to the same or similar injuries,’ wrote park ranger Alec Chapman. The bros in question would fit right in with Lochte as they advertise their clothing company and go around the world douching it up.

Finally, a U.S. tourist was arrested in Jerusalem for staying overnight in Zedekiah’s Cave. The 19-year old hid in the cave after close and was found digging holes in the walls looking for treasure. Nathan Drake or Lara Croft he’s not.

While social scientists learn about douches and how to cure it, we can only call them out by publicly shaming them. The Lochte scandal and our collective outrage will soon blow over, and will can continue to roll our eyes when a back of bros spoils our abroad fun.

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